Softly Dreaming Blog

Before our Pride kick off, S, SRD, R and I went out to eat after a show at the Q Center Friday night. A heated discussion ensued. It was interesting takes on gay marriage.

S believes we have a unique opportunity to create something completely different and better than marriage. S, I ask you, what does ‘better’ mean? I understand the part about marriage being a left over residue of the patriarchy. I understand the part that it is often associated with religion. I even understand that traditional wedding vows are incredibly misogynistic. But marriage itself has also transformed, with more an more people deciding on a non-traditional ceremony.

The history of what we consider marriage today started in 1250-1300. That’s a long time ago. It also comes a hundred (or more depending on area) years after the heavy duty Christian conversion of the traditional Pagan religions and ways of life. I think that’s telling. Many of the Pagan religions had an equivalent of marriage before Christianity did? In the Northern European, or Teutonic, tradition, a ring of honor was given. This could be an arm band, a bracelet or ring. It is called an oath ring, and since living a life of honor was so important, it probably meant much more than our wedding rings do to most people.

Marriage is a legal covenant, a governmental contract and a religious covenant (if you follow an organized religion). Yet it also means so much more to many people.

To my mind, a Domestic Partnership is something you sign. It’s a legal document. It’s not sentimental, you do it to protect the partner you love. Marriage, on the other hand is a ritual and full of symbolism. It’s a public display of your vowed love to each other. If you prefer marriage to DP, but don’t like the big fan fare, then go to the court house. It’s almost as romantic as signing DP papers, I am sure. Though any event could be made romantic if the will is there.

My point is that you might not agree with the history of “straight marriage”. You might not believe that it fits the gay community like a glove. Yet to millions of people, it means something beyond legal protections. It doesn’t matter how you pattern your wedding day. Strictly religious - Catholic, Jewish, Buddhist. Or Pagan - like the Hand Binding that R mentioned in conversation. In Hand Binding, you commit to your love for a year and a day. On each anniversary, you re-commit for another year and a day. This let’s you really focus on how far you have come with your partner over the last year. Or, maybe your own wedding with be a mix of what best suits you as a couple. Either way you slice it, marriage is a symbolic ritual, where you stand with family and friends to demonstrate that this person by your side is who you intend to spend the rest of your life with.

We have all grown up with ideas about marriage from our culture. My parents are celebrating their 56th Wedding Anniversary this year. That’s a LONG time. I have very good relationship patterning from them, through ups and downs. Yet, most of my life I have always been a little commitment phobic, probably because I take those commitments very seriously and understand it’s not always fun and games. My mother once told me when I was very young that a marriage is the most serious commitment you can make to another person. And to her, that meant sticking it through, even when she was miserable, or things were hard, or falling apart. That is the commitment that makes relationships work - staying and working with your partner through life, instead of running for hills when things aren’t ideal or go your way.

Do you have to have a Domestic Partnership, a Civil Union, a Marriage or a Whatever-You-Want-To-Call-It for that commitment? What you choose depends on you and your partner. It is your covenant to each other, despite of what you name it or what form it takes.

R said I was old fashioned at heart for standing up for marriage. And yes, I am a little old fashioned in many ways (also a little wild and wacky I am told). I also understand S’s and SRD’s points. I agree. But I  believe that just because we believe something, we don’t have the right to take something important to someone else away. That would be like force feeding a Buddhist beef.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 25th, 2008 at 8:12 am and is filed under Gathering Basket. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.